


Man's Worst Friend

by Dooiney_Oie



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: But like just for a second - Freeform, Kinda red riding hood kinda beauty and the beast/princess and the frog you get the idea, M/M, Red Riding Hood AU (kinda), So don't hold it against me too much, Some less than flattering depictions of wolves but like they're Fantasy Wolves tm, Sometimes your boyfriend is a magic wolf I don't make the rules, Teen for language and some violence at one point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-03-06 11:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13410723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dooiney_Oie/pseuds/Dooiney_Oie
Summary: There were wolves in the woods, they said.Kravitz had never seen one. It was probably a good thing. He'd passed through the woods walking the same path at the same time of day on the same day of the week hundreds of times now and had never seen the famed flash of teeth or claws. He'd started to think the tales were just a ploy to scare children and keep them from running off on their own.So he'd never seen a wolf, but he was pretty sure they weren't supposed to talk.Or be quite sorude.





	1. Scones

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Evitcani's "Whistling To Your Sweet Melody," which is, as usual, amazing. Go read it if you haven't!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have had this in my drafts for a while so just posting it before ao3 deletes it! Idk when the rest will be up but hopefully not _too_ long

 

There were wolves in the woods, they said.

Kravitz had never seen one. It was probably a good thing. He'd passed through the woods walking the same path at the same time of day on the same day of the week hundreds of times now and had never seen the famed flash of teeth or claws. He'd started to think the tales were just a ploy to scare children and keep them from running off on their own.

So he'd never seen a wolf, but he was pretty sure they weren't supposed to talk.

Or be quite so _rude_.

 

A misty morning in late autumn, he was off on his usual route, humming a tune to conjure small illusions of dancing lights and flitting birds to keep him entertained, and his basket was snatched out of his hand with only a rapid patter of footfalls as a warning. A streak of tawny browns and greys sent his cloak flapping wildly and knocked him off-balance to go sprawling into the grass at the side of the path with a shout. He scrambled up with his knife drawn and a spell ready on his lips, and saw what, to him, looked like a very, very big dog.

It was pushing its nose through the basket, sniffing at the contents and nudging aside vegetables and jars of preserves to get at the scones he'd made the night before. He took a step towards it.

"H-hey! Get off that! Shoo! Bad dog, go away!"

The creature turned to look at him with eyes the colour of warm honey, and licked crumbs from its muzzle. It had very big teeth.

He was hit with the sudden realisation that this was not a dog. It was twice the size of any dog he'd ever seen, and looked like it could snap a bone between its teeth without a thought. It gazed at him steadily, and looked almost bored.

 ** _These are dry as hell, my dude, you ever heard of butter?_** it said, in a strange voice that seemed to echo only in his ears.

Kravitz stared at it.

"Uh."

 ** _I'm just sayin', they're terrible, you could use some pointers_** , the wolf continued blithely, scarfing down another scone. **_Or like, an entire culinary course, shit's pitiful_.**

"Who - who said I made them?" Kravitz frowned, trying not to pout too much. He knew he wasn't a great cook, but he'd _tried_.

 ** _Well to tell the truth, I wasn't sure that you did, but given how offended you look I'm gonna say I hit the bullseye on that one_ ,** the wolf said, turning to him and cocking its head. Kravitz sputtered for a second before he took another step forward, brandishing his knife.

"Look, it doesn't matter, get your nose out of there, they aren't for you."

The wolf snorted irritably and lashed its tail, just once. **_Stingy. How's a guy gonna eat if nobody wants to share?_**

"Wh- You're a wolf!" Kravitz scoffed, incredulous. "Go hunt something, aren't you supposed to use those teeth?"

Yawning, the wolf sat on its haunches and flicked an ear. **_I'm not big on the whole chompin' bunnies thing. Would you wanna eat that shit raw, no seasoning or nothin'_?**

" _I'm_ not an animal."

The wolf's ears pinned back against its head, and it huffed a low growl. **_Whatever. Not my fault you got preconceptions._**

"Its not like I just made it up! Everyone knows wolves eat meat; you eat rabbits, and deer, a-and..." he trailed off, suddenly holding his knife a little tighter and wondering if he should be trying to prepare a spell to use.

The wolf bared its teeth, and he took a step back.

 ** _People, huh?_** it snickered, and Kravitz realised that it wasn't threatening him, but smiling. **_Don't worry, handsome, I'm not gonna touch a hair on your pretty little head._**

It padded over and wound itself around his legs - its shoulders came up to his hips, covered in thick, coarse fur of dusty browns and ashen greys, speckled with black along its head and back. **_At least, as long as you keep bringin' me things_** , it said, voice low and lilting. ** _Gotta pay the toll, you get me?_**

Kravitz stood stock still, fingers whitening around his knife. "Is that a threat? Because I've heard wolf pelts fetch a very good price at the market."

The wolf whined a little, tail drooping. **_Kinda harsh, don't ya think?_**

"You started it."

 ** _I guess_**. The wolf stopped in front of him and sat down again, ears swivelling to catch the small, intermittent noises of other living creatures echoing through the forest. **_To be honest, my guy, I'm not a fan of dirtying up these pearly whites. I'm not gonna do ya any damage. I was just hungry and smelled somethin' edible for once._**

Kravitz folded his arms, but kept his knife in hand. It didn't seem like this wolf was out to eat him, but he couldn't be too careful. He could feel the magic vibrating through it, some kind he couldn't name, as if the teeth and claws weren't enough. "And here I thought my food was pitiful."

 ** _Better than rabbits and squirrels_** , the wolf sighed wearily, scratching at its ear with its back foot. **_Whatever, I'll find someone else to steal from, someone who can actually bake_** , it said, and turned to pad away into the forest.

Kravitz felt like he was about to lose the most interesting thing that had ever happened to him his entire life.

"Wait," he blurted, stumbling a step after it. "How come you can talk? That's not standard for wolves, is it?"

 ** _How come you're into wearin' a big red cape like some kinda giant tomato?_ ** the wolf shot back over its shoulder.

"I - it was a gift," Kravitz huffed defensively, pulling the cloak a little tighter around his shoulders. "And it's cold. Not all of us have fur coats."

 _ **Hmm. Makes you kinda conspicuous - not that you weren't that already, handsome**_ , the wolf grinned, flashing its teeth. It turned and made its way back over, head cocked. **_Say, what's a good-lookin' guy like you doin' in this neck of the woods, anyway?"_**

"No offense, but you're not really my type," Kravitz frowned. This wasn't how he had expected this to go. "Wrong species, for one."

The wolf sighed, ears dipping. **_Yeah. It's fine, I get it. None taken_**. Its tail twitched restlessly. _**You didn't answer my question, though.**_

Kravitz shrugged. "My grandmother lives at the end of this trail. She can't walk very far so I have to bring her groceries every so often."

 ** _That's sweet_** , the wolf snickered. **_I know the house. Nice little place. Garden was great until a couple years back._**

"So now you've stolen from two generations of my family, wonderful," Kravitz replied, unimpressed. The wolf only laughed.

**_Guy's gotta eat, red._ **

"So do the rest of us."

The wolf watched him for a second, then its ears and tail suddenly perked up. **_Say, maybe you and I can come to an arrangement_** , it said. **_You bring me food when you come through, and I'll tell you how to stop makin' it so shitty. You get better food, I get to eat somethin' that doesn't still have fur on it, how's that sound?_**

"Or I could continue with my perfectly adequate food and you can go find somebody else to beg table scraps from," Kravitz said, cautiously returning his knife to his belt and moving carefully past the animal to crouch next to the discarded basket and start repacking the salvageable parts of the delivery. Luckily, other than some of the scones, nothing else had teeth marks or was too badly bruised.

 ** _Oh, come on_** , the wolf whined, pushing its head underneath his arm to put its nose right in his face. Kravitz froze, not daring to breathe. **_Please? I just need someone to be my opposable thumbs - trust me, you're gonna thank me for it._**

"I'm supposed to take cooking advice from a talking wolf?" Kravitz asked, trying to keep the tremor from his voice and desperately wishing he still had his knife in hand. He debated over whether he could get away with humming so he could start channelling some kind of spell, or whether the wolf would have its teeth in him before he could try.

 ** _I know my shit, buddy, and you could definitely use the expertise_** , the wolf assured, and flicked an ear against his shoulder.

"...Right then. Sure, why not?" Kravitz breathed, the musky smell of the animal strong in his nose. The wolf grinned. It had really, _really_ big teeth.

**_Sounds like we have a deal, handsome._ **

"Right. So if could you move your teeth away from my neck?"

The wolf's ears flicked back. **_Oh. Yeah. Sure, sorry,_** it mumbled, pulling its head back out from under his arm and shaking itself from nose to tail. **_So when should I be expectin' my special deliveries?_**

"Once a week, on this path," Kravitz said as he retrieved the rest of the items from the floor and stood up with the basket, and noted the way the wolf's tail dropped slightly. "Is that... okay?" he added tentatively. The creature perked up a little and its tail started swishing instead.

 ** _Oh yeah, red, shit's gucci_ _. All good here_** , it said with a small bark of affirmation, but it didn't sound quite sincere.

Kravitz considered the animal for a moment. It wasn't flea-bitten or ragged, but it was skinny, and its fur had little luster to it. Big and menacing and full of magic as it was, it just looked hungry.

He sighed, dug the bundle of remaining scones out of the basket and tossed them onto the path in front of it. "You can have the rest of those if you want, seeing as they're so unpalatable. I won't bother giving them to anyone."

The wolf turned up its nose. **_Like hell I want those disasters, ch'boy's got taste_** , it said with disdain, but its stomach growled loudly. Its ears pinned back against its head as Kravitz raised an eyebrow at it.

"Sure. I'll be wanting that cloth back when you're done."

The wolf huffed. **_Just take it. I can eat off the ground like a proper animal_** , it muttered.

"Actually," Kravitz said thoughtfully, an idea taking shape as he set his basket down, untied the bundle and crouched to set the scones on a tree root. "Give me your paw." He shook the crumbs off the small red cloth and held out a hand.

The wolf let out a low growl. **_I'm not a dog, red, I don't shake._**

"It won't fit around your neck. This way I know it's you."

 ** _As opposed to all the other talking wolves around here_** , it scoffed, but held out a massive paw. Kravitz looped the cloth around its leg a couple of times and tied it securely in a double knot. **_It's too tight_** , the wolf complained, hopping back and forth on its feet.

"No it isn't, don't be a child," Kravitz chided, then levelled it with an appraising look. "Or should I say puppy?"

 ** _You're an asshole_** , the wolf grumbled. **_You're lucky you're pretty and you got food._**

"And you're lucky I'm not the kind to hunt for profit, or I might've taken you for your pelt by now."

The wolf snickered. **_Yeah, right. Like you could put a scratch on this._**

Kravitz stood and retrieved his basket, hooking it over his arm before turning back to the wolf. "So? I've fed you, what's your advice?"

 _ **Try muffins next time, they're harder to fuck up**_ , it said, gnawing at one of the scones. Maybe they were a little dense.

"If you say so. I don't think they're that bad."

As the words left his mouth, a bird fluttered down and pecked briefly at one of the scones before ruffling its feathers and flying away again. After watching it disappear into the trees, the wolf turned its eyes on him instead and gave him a meaningful stare.

"Yeah, okay, fine," Kravitz huffed at a nearby rock, then turned back to the wolf in resignation. "I'm Kravitz. Do you have a name, or...?"

The wolf sighed at the ground and flicked an ear. **_I used to_**.

Strange answer, Kravitz thought, but only shrugged in response. "Guess I'll just call you wolf, then."

 ** _Couldn't you at least come up with a more creative name?_** the wolf groused. _**You couldn't even manage, fuckin', fluffy or somethin'?**_

"Would you like me to make one up? Or you could pick one."

The wolf let out another beleaguered sigh. **_Nah, wolf's fine. S'to the point, isn't it?_**

"Right. I'll see you next week, then," Kravitz said lightly, and readjusted his cloak and continued down the trail.

**_Seeya, red._ **

 

Kravitz didn't tell his grandmother about the wolf, and when he got back to the village, he didn't mention it to anyone there, either. He got the feeling if they knew there was a lone wolf living so close, and some kind of magical one at that, they'd try to trap and kill it. That seemed cruel. So he kept it to himself, and made sure to try something different for the next week to appease his new teacher.

Something harder to fuck up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Trying to do something short story length for once, maybe I'll actually keep to it lol


	2. Muffins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second meeting.

 

The next time Kravitz stepped into the woods, it was with a sense of mild apprehension. Not fear, and not excitement, but somewhere in that region. It was a strange position he'd found himself in, that was true, but it didn't seem like a bad one. It seemed like a fair deal, even, though the wolf was probably getting more out of it than he was. Maybe it would be nice to make something above average for once, and not poison his grandmother somehow.

He stopped in the middle of the trail where they'd met before, one hand on the basket and the other on his knife. It wasn't that he really thought he'd need it, but if the creature did decide to ambush him instead of honouring their deal, it was there.

"Wolf? Are you here?" he called into the trees. A bird or two fluttered out from the undergrowth, but no wolf appeared. Frowning, he turned in place to try to get a look around, but he seemed to be alone.

Surmising that the creature had decided it wasn't interested in trading with him after all, he shrugged and turned away to continue down the path, unsure whether he was relieved or disappointed.

Or, he started to head away, but once again a flash of fur had the basket out of his hands before he could react. The wolf bounded a few steps further before turning to face him, the basket swinging from its mouth and its tail a blur, dancing on its paws.

 _ **What'd you bring me, handsome? Come on, come on, I'm starvin',**_ it grinned, showing off sharp teeth that Kravitz probably should have been more afraid of than he was.

"You seem eager, given your review from last week," he mused, and the wolf shook itself with a sharp _whuff_.

**_Food's food, now are we doin' this?_ **

"Well, you have to give me the basket back so I can get the food out," Kravitz said, fighting off a smile. He was starting to think that he liked this wolf, silly as it was.

The creature let out a dramatic groan and dropped the basket onto the path. _**Yeah, sure, fine, let's just get this show on the road, huh?**_

Kravitz walked over, still ready to go for his knife if needed but not too worried any more. He pulled a cloth bundle from the basket and set it on the ground, tugging it open to reveal the muffins he'd made.

 ** _Obedient, aren't you?_** the wolf snickered, and snapped one up.

"Doesn't seem much point in this if I don't take the advice, does there?" Kravitz replied as it nudged another muffin out of the pile to eat. "So? Your advice?"

 **Still terrible** , the wolf said. **_Blandest muffins I ever ate, and that's not even considering the texture. You need to put somethin' fun in there, my dude, blueberries or somethin'. What the hell kind of recipes are you usin'?_**

Kravitz scratched at his face, awkward. "I, uh, I found this book? Assumed that, uh, some trader had - had dropped it, but now that you mention it maybe someone actually just wanted rid of it."

 _ **That explains some of it**_ , the wolf snorted, sending a flurry of crumbs flying into the air. **_I'm willing to bet it's not just the recipe's fault these are so fucky, but it's a start._**

"So what am I supposed to do? Buy a new book?" Kravitz frowned. "I'm not exactly made of money."

 ** _You can use some of my recipes_** , the wolf said, sparing him a passing glance. **_I'll share a secret or two if you promise not to tell anybody. You'll probably butcher whatever I give you, but it'll be better than whatever the hell these are supposed to be._**

It said that, but it did still continue to eat even as it dished out its insults. Kravitz set his back against a tree and watched it curiously. Where did a wolf even get _recipes_ anyway?

After a moment of silence, the creature turned another quick glance his way ** _. Gotta say, I wasn't sure if you were gonna show. Surprised you didn't bring a sword or a friend this time - crossbow or somethin'._ **

"A deal's a deal, isn't it? I'll keep my word if you keep yours," Kravitz shrugged. "Besides, I can handle myself."

 ** _Right,_**  the wolf giggled, **_with_ _that itty-bitty knife of yours._**

Kravitz hummed a little. "I killed a bear with this knife once," he lied, and smirked slightly in satisfaction as the wolf took a step back. Saving throw: failed.

 _ **Y--**_  The wolf stopped and shook itself roughly, and shot him a hard glare. **_Fuckin' bards. Sissy magic._**

Kravitz chuckled to himself, only a _little_ smug. "Worked on you."

The wolf's tongue flicked out for just a second, and while it may have been to retrieve some stray crumbs from its nose, Kravitz got the feeling it was more of a petulant gesture. It had been kind of a dick move, he supposed. Maybe he could make up for it.

"I brought this as well," he said, rummaging through the basket for a moment before tossing a bundle of jerky the wolf's way, which it caught in a skilful flash of fangs. "I figured it's probably not good for you to live entirely on baked goods."

 _ **Definitely not yours, red,**_ the wolf said flatly as it settled down with the bundle between its paws and started chewing on it, tail swishing behind. _**This stuff ain't bad, though. Least it's got some kinda flavour.**_

"How does a wolf end up with such a penchant for fine cuisine anyway?" Kravitz asked curiously, watching it quickly devour its gift. "I should think that it'd be hard to bake with paws."

 _ **You'd think right,**_ came the brusque reply.

"So how do you know so much about it?"

 _ **Because I'm n--** _ the wolf started, then its voice dissolved into a garbled mess of noise. It wrinkled its nose. _**I w--**_  More noise - _**I used to - there was this--**_

It came out with a few more broken fragments of sentences before letting out a loud growl and pawing roughly at its muzzle. **_Oh, whatever. Doesn't matter. I'll give ya some solid advice, handsome: never cross a fuckin' goddess._**

"I hadn't planned on it," Kravitz frowned, perturbed by the display. This was truly a strange wolf indeed.

 _ **Glad to hear it,**_ the wolf said miserably. It sniffed as it finished the muffin it was eating and wandered over towards him, extending its handkerchiefed foreleg.  ** _Hey, do me a solid and take this little bracelet off, will ya? Thing itches._**

"Fine, but I'm putting it back on after," Kravitz said as he untied the cloth and then sat back onto his heels, cocking an eyebrow at the creature. "That better?"

 _ **So much,**_ the wolf replied, rubbing at the area with its nose and nipping at it with its teeth. **_Accessorizing is great an' all, but that shit was gettin' annoying._**

"I could get you a collar," Kravitz offered, absently brushing some fur off of the cloth.

 ** _On second thought, the bracelet's fine,_** the wolf corrected quickly, and Kravitz snickered to himself. The wolf snorted huffily at him and turned its back to eat the rest of its meal.

A noise like distant rain brushed the limits of Kravitz's ears, making the tips twitch slightly under his hair, and he hushed as a soft patter of hooves made its way through the trees, stilling against the trunk behind him with his breath held. A small herd of deer made its way quietly across the path a dozen or so feet ahead. The wolf lifted its head and turned to watch, and while a few of the animals glanced at it, most moved on without a care.

"They're not scared of you," Kravitz whispered to the wolf, somewhat awed. The wolf only snorted.

 ** _That's 'cause they're smarter'n you are,_** it said cryptically, and finished off the last of the muffins. With a yawn and a stretch, it rose to its feet and shook itself off. **_You got anythin' else? Or are we done?_**

"That's it, sorry. I don't exactly have a lot to spare."

 ** _Guess I'm outie then,_** the wolf said with another yawn, and turned to walk away into the forest.

"Oh, hang on a second," Kravitz called, and its ears pricked as it turned back to look at him in mild surprise. He held up the cloth in his hand. "Gotta put this back on," he explained. The creature's ears dipped again, and it almost seemed... disappointed, as it wandered back over and resignedly extended its leg.

Once he was done, Kravitz stood and gathered his things, only to find that the wolf hadn't actually left, and was standing by the edge of the path, just watching him.

"So, uh, I'll be seeing you," he said, inclining his head towards it, and went to continue on his way. He heard the rustling of dry leaves from behind him, but it stopped quickly enough, and he didn't bother looking back.

 ** _Hey, next time bring somethin' to write with!_** the wolf's voice called after him. **_I'll give you a decent recipe for once in your life!_**

He raised a hand in acknowledgment, and kept walking down the path.

 

 

His short pit-stop in the woods didn't go unnoticed, a little to his surprise. His grandmother was waiting for him by the door as he approached, and shot him a curious look as she moved aside to let him into the house.

"You're running late, my dear, did something happen?"

"Oh, no, grams, I was just, uh--"

Kravitz paused, frowned, and then waved a dismissive hand. "Just, talking to a friend. Got a little caught up."

"Well, hurry those feet," his grandmother said, shooing him back towards the door. "I need you to fetch me fresh water from the well, my back's gone and I've been parched since this morning."

"Of course," Kravitz said, even as he slipped past her into the kitchen with the basket. "Just let me set this down."

When he returned with a pail of fresh water and a few late flowers from the overgrown garden, he found his grandmother picking through the contents of the basket curiously. She turned to him with a slight frown as he started making up some tea for her.

"Nothing for me this week, either?"

"Ah, no, sorry," he said with a slightly awkward smile. "I'm, uh, I'm trying to get a little better at the whole baking thing before bringing any more."

The old woman's face dropped from an expression of concern to one of absolute relief, and she pressed a hand over her chest. "Oh, thank the _gods_. I thought I was headed for an early grave with those."

"Wh-- You could have _told_ me they were that bad," Kravitz complained, indignant that he'd had to be insulted by an animal when she'd known the whole time. 

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings, my little robin," his grandmother cooed, going in to kiss his cheeks as he turned his face away in a huff. "You were trying so hard."

"That only meant I had to hear it from someone else, grams," Kravitz grumbled. He relented in his struggling and let her plant a single kiss on his cheek with an exasperated sigh. "Honestly. You could've been helping me this whole time instead of just eating bad pastries."

His grandmother stepped away to take the kettle from the fire, patting his arm on the way. "Sweetheart, I did help you. Until you were twelve. You simply have no culinary talent, I'm afraid."

"Well, we'll see," Kravitz said, folding his arms with a haughty sniff. "I think I can prove you wrong."

 _Prove you both wrong_ , his mind supplied as his grandmother attempted to keep the tea inside her cup despite her laughter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! My update schedule is a mess! Also, if you'd like to leave a kudos or a comment, it really puts a smile on my face (:


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